Monday, March 29, 2010

It's fine, the Steelers can afford Bail money....

For all the criticism that Bengals coach Marvin Lewis has endured about adding players to his team that have rap sheets bigger than stat sheets, even he has to be laughing at his division rival right now. Not only do the Steelers have to worry about not having Ben Roethlisberger this season due to a sexual assault charge from a 20 year-old college student in Georgia (let us not forget his 2008 rape allegation), but now Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes is being charged with assault by a woman who claims he hit her in the face with a glass and cut her at an Orlando nightclub. And what was the reason behind hitting her, you ask? Because she was sitting on "his couch" in the VIP room of the Club. He then apparently tried to pay her off on the spot so she wouldn't press charges. So much for "making it rain" that night Mr. Holmes. Even though I'm a huge fan of coach Mike Tomlin, ever since Jerome Bettis rode off into the sunset a few years ago, this team is becoming incredibly unlikeable. It doesn't matter if Big Benny or Shitlock Holmes get convicted, their lack of judgement is pathetic. They both have been in trouble before, and We all saw Plaxico Burress blast his groin at a nightclub a few years ago with his own gun, so why not learn from these situations? You're multi-millionaires, so add an extension to your mansions and make your own damn nightclub!! I'm from Pennsylvania, and I can tell you that having millions of dollars can go a long way. You can even hire your own full-time strippers, door dudes & hanger-ons. Bottom line is, Holmes will probably settle in court, but if Shrek Roethlisberger misses any game action, I'll be Charlie Batch's biggest fan

Friday, March 12, 2010

From Chubby Beginnings....

I often think about why I fell in love with sports at an early age. Could it be that my brother hated sports & loved being in Boy Scouts, and I was determined to be different? (not to mention the fact that I LOATHED being in Boy Scouts, but that rant is for another blog) Or was I just a normal kid who liked sports because thats what kids were supposed to like?
Looking back on it as an adult, I think it was because I strived on being challenged. From the 1st day I watched Charles Barkley playing for my beloved Sixers, I was convinced I was going to be like him (minus throwing people through windows). I practiced his moves, even tried to rebound like him. Unfortunately for me, the growth spurt & actual athleticism never came, and weighing 160 lbs at 11 years old certainly didn't get me the Blue Ribbon in the 40-yard Dash on Field Day, nor did it make me the 1st pick in Dodgeball (for obvious reasons). In other words, I must have enjoyed getting my ass kicked and being told that I wasn't good enough. Whether it was not making the Youth Soccer All-Star team (even though I was the fattest, best goalie in the League), or getting cut from my highschool basketball team year after year, I kept coming back for more, knowing it would eventually pay off. Even when I got to college, I had some grand delusion that I was going to make the basketball team, which was an NCAA Division II school, which is no joke. Sure enough, I kept coming back every year, and actually made the roster for my final 2 seasons. Some players would be frustrated sitting on the bench every game, only to get off of their asses during a blowout, but to me it was validation. Ya work relentlessly at something long enough, you'll see a payoff, no matter how small. Those 10 career points I scored are replayed in my mind all the damn time, and it never gets old.
Once I graduated with a Masters in Physical Therapy, I was surely going to do the smart thing. Work really hard, open up a PT clinic, make over 100k a year, and settle down with kids & all the stuff The Monkees talk about in the song "Pleasant Valley Sunday". Nope. I decided that was a perfect time for a whole new career.
5 years later, the relentless work is slowly starting to pay off. Even though I battle self-doubt constantly (which I think is natural for most of us, atleast I hope so), I can thank my experiences with sports to know that you may not be the greatest at whatever it is you do, but keep at it long enough and do things the right way, and everyone else will start to get on board, which is the greatest validation of all.
It sure as hell would've been nice to actually fit into my teams uniforms as a kid though (see the store bought sweatpants in that picture). Yeah well, at least I filled out that jersey like a man-beast!

Putting the "Pro" in "Procreation"....

This past week, the New York Jets strengthened their already powerful defense by trading for Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie. The real story is how they the Jets then fronted him $500,000 so he could pay child support for his 7 kids by 6 different women in 5 different states. Clearly, he kept himself busy during road trips. I get it dude, you travel to alot of different cities. Next time, pick up a shot glass & a t-shirt on your way out instead of making a baby you're never gonna see.
Now his story is just one in a long line of professional athletes who are having enough kids to fill up every position on a baseball field. Former Running back Travis Henry-9 kids by 9 women. That's the worst case of ADD I've ever seen! Now I completely understand why he was arrested 2 years ago for drug trafficking, he was merely trying to afford all the "baby on board" stickers for the windowns of his Chevy AstroVan.
A surprising example: Evander " The Real Deal" Holyfield-9 illiigitimate kids & a wife who just accused him of assault. Right now he wishes that his biggest problem was Mike Tyson biting his ear off.
But my favorite fertile athlete of all time: Shawn Kemp. When he faded away from the NBA amid drug & alcohol problems, he was at 7 kids by 5 women. It's now rumored that he's up to 11 kids by 9 women. And I always wondered why his nickname was the Reign Man.
Bottom line is, something has to be done. These guys aren't taking responsibility, so it's time for drastic measures. Quasto suggests a "3 Strikes Rule". That's right, once a professional athlete spawns his 3rd illigitimate child, they will undergo a league mandated vasectomy. If any athletes think that's harsh, then stop dropping your pants all over the country 'cause we got Bob Barker on speed dial & he knows where to get ya neutered! Get your act together deadbeat athletes, or there's gonna be a snippin' at your conjunction junction.