Monday, July 5, 2010

Try not to laugh while signing this contract...

2010 NBA Free Agency is upon us! The most hyped summer in league history is in full swing, or should I say at a complete halt waiting for LeBron James to make his decision? Nonetheless, we should know LBJ's next destination by the end of this week, and the dominos will fall into place shortly thereafter. Very expensive dominos in Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar'e Stoudemire & Carlos Boozer. Will Wade & Boozer team up in Chicago to battle LBJ & Stoudemire in New York? Or all this melarky could be for nought if James returns to Cleveland and Wade stays in South Beach. Bottom line: They're all gonna get paid, and they're all gonna be expected to produce huge numbers & ticket sales. The same was said for some of the guys on my list below. Unfortunately, logic wasn't a strong point for most of the General Managers who signed them. With that said, I now reveal the "Quasto Knows" 15 Worst NBA Free Agent Signings of all time! Don't feel bad for them. Every one of 'em could buy us all, literally.
15. Joe Johnson-Atlanta Hawks-6 years/$119 million-Yes I know he just signed this, and yes he's a 4 time all-star. But this signing means that Atlanta will just be good enough to compete for a solid playoff run, not a championship. Very good player, not a Max contract player. Besides, nobody goes to Hawks games anyway.
14. Erick Dampier-Dallas Mavericks-7 years/$73 million-He has been durable, and has played in just about every game since signing this...But a career average of 6 points & 7 boards a game must have him giggling like a school girl when he sees his bank account.
13. Gilbert Arenas-Washington Wizards-6 years/$111 million-$111 Million buys you a lot of guns. It doesn't buy you good judgement. Keep the glocks out of the locker room "Agent Zero".
12. Tim Thomas-Milwaukee Bucks-6 years/$67 million-Was a lazy underachiever his entire career even BEFORE he signed this deal. But at least he's still in the league, warming the pine for the Dallas Mavericks this past season.
11. Ben Wallace-Chicago Bulls-4 years/$60 million-Only played 2 lousy seasons with Da Bulls. Even George Wendt knew this was a horrible signing.
10. Amir Johnson-Toronto Raptors-5 years/$34 million-I could end up being wrong, but giving this kind of money to a guy who played 17 minutes a game last year just because Chris Bosh left? Let's see if he ever cracks 10 points a game.
9. Eddy Curry-New York Knicks-6 years/$60 million-Anybody wanna sign a guy who hates basketball & has a diagnosed heart problem? Ok Isiah Thomas, I see you're the only one raising your hand.
8. Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway-Phoenix Suns-7 years/$84 million-"Lil Penny" was worth this money. The human version with tons of injuries was not.
7. Jim Mcilvaine-Seattle Supersonics-7 years/$35 million-Big white stiff with an Ivan Drago haircut...well, maybe he was worth the money.
6. Raef LaFrentz-Dallas Mavericks-7 years/$70 million-Picture a slightly better version of Jim Mcilvaine with a girly jumpshot. Didn't even stay in the league long enough to finish the contract.
5. Elton Brand-Philadelphia 76ers-5 years/$80 million-He's a solid team guy, but the Sixers expected the 20/10 Elton Brand, not the 13/6 oft-injured Elton Brand. This signing has crushed any hopes of luring a decent free agent & made him virtually untradeable.
4. Darius Miles-Portland Trailblazers-6 years/$48 million-Missed almost half of the games during his 3 seasons with the Blazers due to injury. Then kept all his money when he made a strange comeback with Memphis 3 years later.
3. Vin Baker-Seattle Supersonics-7 years/$86 million-Was once one of the better Power Forwards in the league. Seattle should have done a psychiatric evaluation prior to signing this deal, as he was more committed to alcohol than basketball.
2. Jerome James-New York Knicks-5 years/$30 million-Another Isiah Thomas classic signing. An unathletic stiff coming off one good playoff series for the Sonics, and calling him a "Diamond in the rough" & giving him $30 mil. Never played more than 10 minutes a game for the Knickerbockers.
1. Austin Croshere-Indiana Pacers-7 years/$51 million-Some would say this is not the worst free agent signing ever. But for my money (and thank God it's not), he is. Just say his name out loud-Austin Croshere. Does that sound like a good basketball player to you? I think not.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Time Well Spent...

Even though the World Cup is far from over, and other countries are bound to build up even more hatred for each other over the next few weeks (along with everyone already loathing France), the United States is done, and so are the chances of me actually tuning in to watch.
Granted, I only watched about 3 minutes total of the World Cup thus far, and during those 3 minutes, Ghana scored their game winning goal against the US, so allow me to apologize to my country for being the bad luck charm.
With that said, I do appreciate all sports, and I played soccer as a fat kid in Pennsylvania (mostly Goalie, for obvious reasons). And now that I think about it, I totally could have played the goalie in "The Mighty Ducks", if I was only chasing the dream back then, dammit!
But I digress. I completely understand that there are rabid soccer fans out there, and every 4 years, their lives revolve around putting on shin guards and screaming at a TV every morning while giving themselves an excuse to be buzzed by 10am. I think Soccer is a fantastic game, but I have no interest in watching it, so I can only give my view of the World Cup. I have friends who put everything on the shelf to see these matches, but I got shit to do. With that said, here is a "Quasto Knows" list of all the things I accomplished instead of watching the 2010 World Cup:
1. Slept past 4:30am
2. Slept past 7:30am
3. Re-discovered my long lost relationship with Life Cereal
4. Facebooked
5. Got home after 2 am on many nights, knowing I wasn't going to be waking up to watch the World Cup
6. Told jokes on stage, making no references to who was winning World Cup games
7. Found a bunch of old mix cd's from 8-10 years ago. Enjoying them thoroughly
8. Got a new Cell Phone & switched from Verizon to T-Mobile
9. Hung out with Rowdy Roddy Piper & gave him advice on which pillow to buy to relieve neck pain
10. Used my TIVO space to record many other things besides World Cup games
11. Bought a new V-neck t-shirt
12. Told myself I'd stop putting my comedy show schedule on Myspace. Too unreliable
13. Decided that I hated Cameron Diaz even more after seeing the commercial for "Knight & Day"
14. Got a haircut
15. Watched the NBA Draft, because that's a sport with it's priorities in order (average 5 points a game, make millions)
16. Watched Telemundo for the right reasons (Latinas with massive boobies)
17. Thought about what bullshit it was that I never got chosen to my Youth League Soccer All-star team as a Goalie. Hmm, could that explain my complete disinterest in the World Cup? Perhaps I'll revisit this theory in 4 years. Happy Futbol everyone!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Wanna see my ring??

Every NBA team must suit up 12 players for every game, including the playoffs. Out of those 12 players, most NBA teams generally only use 8-9 players in their rotation. At season's end, 1 NBA team is crowned as the Champions, meaning that a few players on that team had little to do with winning the title, yet still have the fortune of getting laid easier than most guys, because of the gigantic, fancypants NBA Championship ring they can show off to drunk girls at clubs that they didn't have to wait in line to get into.
I'm certainly not hating on guys that sit on the end of the bench. That's all I did in college and I had a blast!! I played on a mediocre Division II team at the University of the Sciences in Philadelphia, and some of my best memories were knowing I wouldn't have to take off my warmup jersey all game & I would end up burning more calories by talking shit to opposing players than I would by actually playing basketball that night.
With that said, here are my favorite NBA Champions of the past decade. It's quite that possible you've never heard of them, and most are long gone from the NBA. But they do have the bling to show off to the world. Ya can't ask for a better conversation starter, or a last resort in case they go bankrupt and need something to pawn off. Without further ado, here are the Quasto Knows Top 11 NBA Champions of the past decade! Why 11? Because you can't put a limit on excellence.
11. Mengke Bateer -2003 San Antonio Spurs. Who? Exactly.
10. Mike Penberthy - 2002 Los Angeles Lakers. Any guy who goes undrafted from an NAIA school deserves a damn ring.
9. Darvin Ham - 2004 Detroit Pistons. Narrowly beat out Darko Milicic for this spot. Mainly because his last name is Ham
8. Michael Doleac - 2006 Miami Heat. Big, white & kinda goofy looking. That ring comes in really handy for him.
7. Joe Crispin - 2002 Los Angeles Lakers. Deadly shooter from Penn State, but only 6 feet tall. Long gone & playing in Italy.
6. Jackie Butler - 2007 San Antonio Spurs. Who practically stole a ring from the 2007 Spurs? The Butler did it.
5. DJ Mbenga - 2009 & 2010 Los Angeles Lakers. He may not ever play, but he's always ready to spin on the 1's & 2's
4. Melvin Ely - 2007 San Antonio Spurs. Played in only 6, yes count them, 6 games for the Spurs!! Still got a ring though
3. Adam Morrison - 2009 & 2010 Los Angeles Lakers. 3rd overall pick & is already a proven bust with 2 rings & a great 'stache
2. Brian Scalabrine - 2008 Boston Celtics. The guy loves the bench so much, he literally can be seen giggling when he gets into a game.
1. Mark Madsen - 2001 & 2002 Los Angeles Lakers. See the picture above & watch the YouTube vidoes of him dancing. Enough said.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Floyd Landis putting the "Dope" in "Blood-Doping"...

Did ya ever notice how we only hear about certain sports when there's controversy? Well I think that they're onto something. Disgraced American cyclist Floyd Landis hasn't given up on dragging people through the mud, most notably Cycling God Lance Armstrong. He came out again this week with a number of emails to the head of USA Cycling, pointing out specific blood doping events that took place in the earlier part of this decade, singling out a number of other cyclists, including Sir Lancelot himself. His statements cited that he and Armstrong discussed using the blood-boosting EPO; he was asked to monitor the temperature of blood kept in a refrigerator inside Armstrong’s apartment in the pro-cycling hotbed of Girona, Spain, for use in transfusions.
Kinda sounds like a shitty episode of "True Blood" doesn't it?? Bottom line is, I'm already bored talking about this sport. Let 'em dope! I'll take it a step further. Steroids? You betcha. Those rail-thin bikers are the only humans who actually don't look disgusting in bike shorts & spandex shirts, so add some HGH to their daily diet. That way they can Hulk up while riding up a hill in France, and by the end of the race, they'll cross through the finish line wearing nothing but ripped purple jean shorts with their skin showing a puke-greenish hue. That's the way to make the sport relevant & popular! Now, you can call me just another ignorant non-cycling fan, but juicing & doping worked for baseball in the late 90's, didn't it? Quasto Knows.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Please Tase me bro!!

To the Philadelphia Police Department, I salute you. Make no mistake about it, I'm Pro-Taser. Especially at sporting events. As a matter of fact, I'm making Tasers the official "Quasto Knows" Weapon of Choice. Now, many are outraged at the fact that one of Philly's finest decided to break out the stun-gun on a 17 year-old big eared Phillies fan who was idiotic enough to run onto the field during live action. To them I say this: (1) You need to get yourself one of those hand buzzers and remember how fun it is to shake hands with unsuspecting victims as it shocks the holy bejeezus out of them! (2) The kid was 17 years old. By the time you're 17, you know the difference between right and wrong. The kid even CALLED HIS FATHER right before he ran laps around the Philly cops, and clearly pops said nothing to change his mind. In my opinion, the kid got lucky. Do ya know what usually happens when you run onto the field during a game? You get tackled & pummeled. I would rather take a tasing any day than being slammed to the ground & punched in the face by a 240 lb pissed off Philly cop who's wife hasn't touched his nether region in weeks. Maybe I'm a tad biased on this subject because I'm a comedian. I think Stand-up comics should have the right to bear Tasers just like Police Officers. We ALSO have to handle drunken morons with beer muscles on a nightly basis, only the lone weapon we have to use is offering our free drink tickets in exchange for us not getting the bully beatdown from a group of dudes wearing skin-tight Affliction t-shirts. So in conclusion, not only am I Pro-Taser, but I think they should be given away at sporting events. Who in the hell wants a Phillies Beach Towel when you can get a toy that can provide an entire weekend of fun??

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Kobe how my blush taste??

No, that's not Grace Jones posing in a brand new ad for her perfume "Strange". That is noneother than Kobe Bryant. Yes, Kobe the Clutch, Kobe the Assassin, Kobe the "I can pull off Capri pants"?? Give the style department at LA Times Magazine some credit. They could have went with a run of the mill photoshoot, with Kobe donning a Home Jersey & then switching it up to a Lakers warmup outfit with breakaway pants. But no, the LA Times Magazine creative brass wanted to make it memorable, and whomever came up with this emsemble deserves a raise, or at least should be able to keep the outfits. I would've loved to see what Kobe's reaction was when he showed up to the shoot/interview and they proceeded to tell him, "Yeah Kobe, today we're gonna go for an Amish Tranny look. You can head over to the makeup chair now. Oh, and don't bang your fingers on anything. You seem to break one of them every week!" Now, to the untrained eye, these outfits appear to be daring, original, & thought provoking. But I do my homework people, and Kobe's getup is nothing more than a new version of Dr. Dre's party dress from his days with the World Class Wreckin' Cru. Ain't nothin' but a G Thang baby!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fired just after midnight....

NBA Head Coach Firing Day is upon us!! Kim Hughes and Eddie Jordan were relieved of their duties just after they each coached their final regular season game. Hughes took over for the Los Angeles Clippers in mid-season and led a very bored & un-motivated team to an 8-25 record. Eddie Jordan was hired just before this season by the Philadelphia 76ers, and excitement & hope surrounding his Princeton Offense faded away quickly as they got off to a horrible start and never recovered. It became clear that hiring Eddie Jordan was a horrendous decision, with a roster that was not suited for a Princeton Offense nor knew anything about playing solid defense. Hughes was given a dumpster fire squad by the Clippers, and can't really be blamed for much of anything that happened towards the end of the season.
The question now is, which team has a better situation for a new coach? As shocked as I am to say this, it has to be the Clippers. Yes, the very same Clippers who always seem to have a black cloud dribbling rain over their heads. Their roster contains 9 free agents, so they can really pick and choose which players they'd even want back (which shouldn't be many). Their trade of Marcus Camby to Portland earlier this year freed up tons of salary cap space, so they're in position to make a run at a top tier free agent. Of course, after every top tier free agent giggles at the notion of signing with the Clips, they can then go after the next level of free agents, such as Memphis guard Rudy Gay. Not to mention, they're hopeful for a healthy return of Blake Griffin, the 2009 #1 overall pick who missed the entire season with a knee injury. If they go after an energetic, young coach (say hello Marc Jackson), the dark days of ClipperLand may see some sunlight before too long.
Now on to the slow, sparking trainwreck that is the Philadelphia 76ers Franchise. At this point, Sixer fans know it's going to be a long time before this team can even sniff a playoff series victory. Seeing Allen Iverson come back for that short lived run was the only highlight of the entire season, and even that ended in depressing fashion. Horrible signings, backing out of possible trades, & 3 head coaches in the past 4 seasons have all set this team back for years to come. GM Ed Stefanski has got to be near the top of the list of people in this country who shouldn't have their jobs. Signing Elton Brand to an $80 million deal is just the tip of the iceberg. They're still reeling from the decisions of their last GM, Billy King. Samuel Dalembert is grossly overpaid & has reached a ceiling to his potential, and their supposed "Franchise" player Andre Iguodala made a mere $12 million in a season full of bad shooting and not coming through in the clutch. All 3 of these players are locked in contracts that just about every team would never take on. Is there hope? Yes, a little. Rooke Jrue Holiday showed serious promise at the point guard position, and Sixer fans should not give up on Thaddeus Young. The kid is too athletic & is a smart enough player to succeed in this league. I've about had it with Louis Williams & Willie Green. They're one dimensional "numbers" guys who aren't ready to contribute to a winning team.
Who should they hire? Well, I'm gonna go the opposite route that I went with the Clippers. Instead of hiring young, they need a dictator who is going to force them to play "the right way". Emphasize solid defense that will lead to transition offense that fits their athletic squad. What coach could be better than good ole' Larry Brown?? Yes, I know he's 70 years-old and is about to lead the Charlotte Bobcats into the playoffs, but he loves to hint at leaving every team he's ever coached. His 6 seasons in Philly were the most consistent their team has been in years, and Sixer fans would welcome him back with open arms. To take it one step further with the old-school approach of coaching, let Larry Brown hire Hubie Brown AND Dr. Jack Ramsay to be his assistants, that way Larry will look like a spring chicken in comparison. Happy NBA Playoff Time everybody!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Catchin' the WNBA Fever...

As the NBA season steams towards another excessively long playoff run, I'd like to let everyone know that the WNBA is still in existence. They even put the games on TV sometimes, usually around 3am right after the ShamWow infomercials. Even on Yahoo Sports, the WNBA is found in the "Other Sports" section, after Rugby and HighSchool. They League has been having attendance problems for years, which is about as surprising as the German dude from Inglorious Basterds winning all those awards (He was outstanding!!). Anyways, I've decided to help the friendly felines of roundball with some examples of how they can improve attendance. So, besides having men play, here are Quasto Know's 3 options to get butts in the seats at WNBA games.
1. Adopt a Pig night. If Paris Hilton can adopt an adorable baby pig, it's only a matter of time until it catches on with the rest of society, and the WNBA should seize this opportunity! They can dress up the piglets in the uniform of their choice, and they can even have Sarah Palin as their honorary guest as long as she brings her lipstick (yeah I went there). And if taking care of a pig is too daunting a task, they can have an "Adopt a Gary Busey" night.
2. Change the names of the teams. Sorry, but names like the San Antonio Silver Stars & the Phoenix Mercury just aren't feminine. Jazz it up a bit. I think it'd be much more exciting to go see the Connecticut Part-time Secretaries or better yet, the Indiana "Well if you don't know I'm not gonna tell You".
3. And perhaps the easiest way to attract viewers to the WNBA, rename it "The Jersey Shore". Let Snookie run the point and "The Situation" stroll the sidelines. At every game they can set up spray tanning booths & pharmacists from Tiajuana can sell steroids at a fair price. At halftime, go grab some pasta with meat sauce! After the game is when the real event begins, because the lights go out and the whole arena becomes a fist pumping rave party. That's a sure fire winner!!
These ideas can't be any worse than "Juwanna Mann" was for your publicity. You're wecome WNBA, you're welcome.

Monday, March 29, 2010

It's fine, the Steelers can afford Bail money....

For all the criticism that Bengals coach Marvin Lewis has endured about adding players to his team that have rap sheets bigger than stat sheets, even he has to be laughing at his division rival right now. Not only do the Steelers have to worry about not having Ben Roethlisberger this season due to a sexual assault charge from a 20 year-old college student in Georgia (let us not forget his 2008 rape allegation), but now Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes is being charged with assault by a woman who claims he hit her in the face with a glass and cut her at an Orlando nightclub. And what was the reason behind hitting her, you ask? Because she was sitting on "his couch" in the VIP room of the Club. He then apparently tried to pay her off on the spot so she wouldn't press charges. So much for "making it rain" that night Mr. Holmes. Even though I'm a huge fan of coach Mike Tomlin, ever since Jerome Bettis rode off into the sunset a few years ago, this team is becoming incredibly unlikeable. It doesn't matter if Big Benny or Shitlock Holmes get convicted, their lack of judgement is pathetic. They both have been in trouble before, and We all saw Plaxico Burress blast his groin at a nightclub a few years ago with his own gun, so why not learn from these situations? You're multi-millionaires, so add an extension to your mansions and make your own damn nightclub!! I'm from Pennsylvania, and I can tell you that having millions of dollars can go a long way. You can even hire your own full-time strippers, door dudes & hanger-ons. Bottom line is, Holmes will probably settle in court, but if Shrek Roethlisberger misses any game action, I'll be Charlie Batch's biggest fan

Friday, March 12, 2010

From Chubby Beginnings....

I often think about why I fell in love with sports at an early age. Could it be that my brother hated sports & loved being in Boy Scouts, and I was determined to be different? (not to mention the fact that I LOATHED being in Boy Scouts, but that rant is for another blog) Or was I just a normal kid who liked sports because thats what kids were supposed to like?
Looking back on it as an adult, I think it was because I strived on being challenged. From the 1st day I watched Charles Barkley playing for my beloved Sixers, I was convinced I was going to be like him (minus throwing people through windows). I practiced his moves, even tried to rebound like him. Unfortunately for me, the growth spurt & actual athleticism never came, and weighing 160 lbs at 11 years old certainly didn't get me the Blue Ribbon in the 40-yard Dash on Field Day, nor did it make me the 1st pick in Dodgeball (for obvious reasons). In other words, I must have enjoyed getting my ass kicked and being told that I wasn't good enough. Whether it was not making the Youth Soccer All-Star team (even though I was the fattest, best goalie in the League), or getting cut from my highschool basketball team year after year, I kept coming back for more, knowing it would eventually pay off. Even when I got to college, I had some grand delusion that I was going to make the basketball team, which was an NCAA Division II school, which is no joke. Sure enough, I kept coming back every year, and actually made the roster for my final 2 seasons. Some players would be frustrated sitting on the bench every game, only to get off of their asses during a blowout, but to me it was validation. Ya work relentlessly at something long enough, you'll see a payoff, no matter how small. Those 10 career points I scored are replayed in my mind all the damn time, and it never gets old.
Once I graduated with a Masters in Physical Therapy, I was surely going to do the smart thing. Work really hard, open up a PT clinic, make over 100k a year, and settle down with kids & all the stuff The Monkees talk about in the song "Pleasant Valley Sunday". Nope. I decided that was a perfect time for a whole new career.
5 years later, the relentless work is slowly starting to pay off. Even though I battle self-doubt constantly (which I think is natural for most of us, atleast I hope so), I can thank my experiences with sports to know that you may not be the greatest at whatever it is you do, but keep at it long enough and do things the right way, and everyone else will start to get on board, which is the greatest validation of all.
It sure as hell would've been nice to actually fit into my teams uniforms as a kid though (see the store bought sweatpants in that picture). Yeah well, at least I filled out that jersey like a man-beast!

Putting the "Pro" in "Procreation"....

This past week, the New York Jets strengthened their already powerful defense by trading for Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie. The real story is how they the Jets then fronted him $500,000 so he could pay child support for his 7 kids by 6 different women in 5 different states. Clearly, he kept himself busy during road trips. I get it dude, you travel to alot of different cities. Next time, pick up a shot glass & a t-shirt on your way out instead of making a baby you're never gonna see.
Now his story is just one in a long line of professional athletes who are having enough kids to fill up every position on a baseball field. Former Running back Travis Henry-9 kids by 9 women. That's the worst case of ADD I've ever seen! Now I completely understand why he was arrested 2 years ago for drug trafficking, he was merely trying to afford all the "baby on board" stickers for the windowns of his Chevy AstroVan.
A surprising example: Evander " The Real Deal" Holyfield-9 illiigitimate kids & a wife who just accused him of assault. Right now he wishes that his biggest problem was Mike Tyson biting his ear off.
But my favorite fertile athlete of all time: Shawn Kemp. When he faded away from the NBA amid drug & alcohol problems, he was at 7 kids by 5 women. It's now rumored that he's up to 11 kids by 9 women. And I always wondered why his nickname was the Reign Man.
Bottom line is, something has to be done. These guys aren't taking responsibility, so it's time for drastic measures. Quasto suggests a "3 Strikes Rule". That's right, once a professional athlete spawns his 3rd illigitimate child, they will undergo a league mandated vasectomy. If any athletes think that's harsh, then stop dropping your pants all over the country 'cause we got Bob Barker on speed dial & he knows where to get ya neutered! Get your act together deadbeat athletes, or there's gonna be a snippin' at your conjunction junction.