Friday, May 21, 2010

Floyd Landis putting the "Dope" in "Blood-Doping"...

Did ya ever notice how we only hear about certain sports when there's controversy? Well I think that they're onto something. Disgraced American cyclist Floyd Landis hasn't given up on dragging people through the mud, most notably Cycling God Lance Armstrong. He came out again this week with a number of emails to the head of USA Cycling, pointing out specific blood doping events that took place in the earlier part of this decade, singling out a number of other cyclists, including Sir Lancelot himself. His statements cited that he and Armstrong discussed using the blood-boosting EPO; he was asked to monitor the temperature of blood kept in a refrigerator inside Armstrong’s apartment in the pro-cycling hotbed of Girona, Spain, for use in transfusions.
Kinda sounds like a shitty episode of "True Blood" doesn't it?? Bottom line is, I'm already bored talking about this sport. Let 'em dope! I'll take it a step further. Steroids? You betcha. Those rail-thin bikers are the only humans who actually don't look disgusting in bike shorts & spandex shirts, so add some HGH to their daily diet. That way they can Hulk up while riding up a hill in France, and by the end of the race, they'll cross through the finish line wearing nothing but ripped purple jean shorts with their skin showing a puke-greenish hue. That's the way to make the sport relevant & popular! Now, you can call me just another ignorant non-cycling fan, but juicing & doping worked for baseball in the late 90's, didn't it? Quasto Knows.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Please Tase me bro!!

To the Philadelphia Police Department, I salute you. Make no mistake about it, I'm Pro-Taser. Especially at sporting events. As a matter of fact, I'm making Tasers the official "Quasto Knows" Weapon of Choice. Now, many are outraged at the fact that one of Philly's finest decided to break out the stun-gun on a 17 year-old big eared Phillies fan who was idiotic enough to run onto the field during live action. To them I say this: (1) You need to get yourself one of those hand buzzers and remember how fun it is to shake hands with unsuspecting victims as it shocks the holy bejeezus out of them! (2) The kid was 17 years old. By the time you're 17, you know the difference between right and wrong. The kid even CALLED HIS FATHER right before he ran laps around the Philly cops, and clearly pops said nothing to change his mind. In my opinion, the kid got lucky. Do ya know what usually happens when you run onto the field during a game? You get tackled & pummeled. I would rather take a tasing any day than being slammed to the ground & punched in the face by a 240 lb pissed off Philly cop who's wife hasn't touched his nether region in weeks. Maybe I'm a tad biased on this subject because I'm a comedian. I think Stand-up comics should have the right to bear Tasers just like Police Officers. We ALSO have to handle drunken morons with beer muscles on a nightly basis, only the lone weapon we have to use is offering our free drink tickets in exchange for us not getting the bully beatdown from a group of dudes wearing skin-tight Affliction t-shirts. So in conclusion, not only am I Pro-Taser, but I think they should be given away at sporting events. Who in the hell wants a Phillies Beach Towel when you can get a toy that can provide an entire weekend of fun??

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Kobe how my blush taste??

No, that's not Grace Jones posing in a brand new ad for her perfume "Strange". That is noneother than Kobe Bryant. Yes, Kobe the Clutch, Kobe the Assassin, Kobe the "I can pull off Capri pants"?? Give the style department at LA Times Magazine some credit. They could have went with a run of the mill photoshoot, with Kobe donning a Home Jersey & then switching it up to a Lakers warmup outfit with breakaway pants. But no, the LA Times Magazine creative brass wanted to make it memorable, and whomever came up with this emsemble deserves a raise, or at least should be able to keep the outfits. I would've loved to see what Kobe's reaction was when he showed up to the shoot/interview and they proceeded to tell him, "Yeah Kobe, today we're gonna go for an Amish Tranny look. You can head over to the makeup chair now. Oh, and don't bang your fingers on anything. You seem to break one of them every week!" Now, to the untrained eye, these outfits appear to be daring, original, & thought provoking. But I do my homework people, and Kobe's getup is nothing more than a new version of Dr. Dre's party dress from his days with the World Class Wreckin' Cru. Ain't nothin' but a G Thang baby!!