Please Tase me bro!!

To the Philadelphia Police Department, I salute you. Make no mistake about it, I'm Pro-Taser. Especially at sporting events. As a matter of fact, I'm making Tasers the official "Quasto Knows" Weapon of Choice. Now, many are outraged at the fact that one of Philly's finest decided to break out the stun-gun on a 17 year-old big eared Phillies fan who was idiotic enough to run onto the field during live action. To them I say this: (1) You need to get yourself one of those hand buzzers and remember how fun it is to shake hands with unsuspecting victims as it shocks the holy bejeezus out of them! (2) The kid was 17 years old. By the time you're 17, you know the difference between right and wrong. The kid even CALLED HIS FATHER right before he ran laps around the Philly cops, and clearly pops said nothing to change his mind. In my opinion, the kid got lucky. Do ya know what usually happens when you run onto the field during a game? You get tackled & pummeled. I would rather take a tasing any day than being slammed to the ground & punched in the face by a 240 lb pissed off Philly cop who's wife hasn't touched his nether region in weeks. Maybe I'm a tad biased on this subject because I'm a comedian. I think Stand-up comics should have the right to bear Tasers just like Police Officers. We ALSO have to handle drunken morons with beer muscles on a nightly basis, only the lone weapon we have to use is offering our free drink tickets in exchange for us not getting the bully beatdown from a group of dudes wearing skin-tight Affliction t-shirts. So in conclusion, not only am I Pro-Taser, but I think they should be given away at sporting events. Who in the hell wants a Phillies Beach Towel when you can get a toy that can provide an entire weekend of fun??